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Maybe a Temper Tantrum

Sometimes I may begrudge every other published writer everything.

You know, in moments of personality collapse. Meaning, those moments when I’m not the great and fantabulist soul I want to be. (Yes. Fantabulist.) Those moments when I’m resistant, cranky, jealous, and generally not nice.

(All you saints out there can begin throwing stones at any time.)

Talk about publishing makes me cranky. Traditional publishing, e-publishing, indie publishing, self-publishing, publishing in the cogs of the machine, publishing with the rebels, publishing with the I-know-more-than-you-and-you’re-an-idiot crowd, publishing at all is getting on my nerves. As if the effort to write, the constant rejection, the sleep-deprived state of trying to do everything weren’t enough, now I can be hassled absolutely every choice I make.

Well, these articles are not directed at me personally. There isn’t much use in getting into a snit.

No maybe about it though. This is my temper tantrum. And you may want to leave the room.

No. I don’t clean house enough. I don’t volunteer or participate in my kid’s school enough, I don’t eat well enough, I don’t exercise enough, I don’t manage money well enough, I don’t call my friends enough, I don’t keep up with the news enough, I don’t help others enough, I don’t understand enough, I don’t write well enough…

It sure is exhausting not being enough.

I’ve read many interesting and persuasive articles about what is wrong with publishing today and the speed with it the publishing world is changing. I wish I were 20 just so it wouldn’t seem exhausting.

I really wish I could see a self-published (e-published, indie published, whatev) book with a cover I liked. That would help. Seriously. If you know of any great ones, please post a link in the comments. I don’t mean okay or that’s nice ones. I want one that makes me eyes happy.

Of course, what I really want is to be a good writer.

Do I believe that I could self-publish my novels as they are right now and have readers and make money?

No.

This is either because I’m just remarkably honest or markedly insecure. Or crazy. Or hoping for the perfect encouragement.

Of course, I post short stories on my fiction blog (number 13 for today!) and that is self-publishing. And I don’t think my stories are all great. I’m happy with a few of them, but, they are flawed. So. What is the difference between that, and self-publishing a novel?

Don’t know. Doesn’t make sense to me.

But this is my temper tantrum.

Maybe this short-story-a-day thing is taking its toll.

On the other hand, while throwing my temper tantrum here, I got a nice message about my writing from a very nice person who doesn’t know half of how neurotic I can be.

Ah, nice things and flattery. I’m a sucker for them.

And in a little while I’ll stop tantruming, get up, and make my choices.

What about you? Thrown any good temper tantrums lately? Hissy fits? Explosions?

Feel better?

2 thoughts on “Maybe a Temper Tantrum

  1. Ah, the blessed temper tantrum. Mine are all internal, it seems. I control what comes out (or rather, I try…I think it does come out in ways I don’t intend) but inside I’m a mass of hissy. I’m with you–all the publishing crap makes me tired and cranky.

    As for the publishability (?) of your writing…I’ve no doubt if you self e-published it now, you would gain readers. If you submitted to a small e-pub company like the one I worked for, they would accept you without compunction. But here’s what I think: Most writers write to their reading standards. One lady I edited was a really terrible writer, I thought, based on what I enjoyed reading and the books I was trying to write. She could write sex scenes, but everything else was consistently awful. It was a real challenge editing her.

    But she had fans. Quite a few. She got good reviews on those little review blogs, and she confidently promoted her books, along with others of similar caliber authors in her circle. She loved what she was writing, and others paid money to confirm that they did, too.

    And that’s the point. She loved what she was writing. She thought her books were great and worthy, because she had written the kind of book she liked to read. And she’s not an anomoly, I know a lot of writers who are doing the same thing. There are readers at almost every level. The question is, do you like what you’ve written?

    • I try to keep my hissy fits inside, but sometimes…hey, why should the kids get all the temper tantrum fun?

      That’s a good point about writing to your reading standards. I hadn’t thought of that, but it makes sense. And of course, sex sells, so being able to write those scenes probably helps.

      I do love what I write. I confess. But I worry that is just akin to being in love with the sound of my own voice. Or like allowing your love for your child to blind you to your child’s flaws.

      And nothing is ever perfect, so no one should feel their story must be perfect to put it out in the world.

      But sometimes writing and trying to get published feels like taking a long and difficult journey to a land you’ve dreamed off most of your life, only to find when you get there a massive burning crater. And instead of any sympathy for your wasted effort and lost dream (however foolish it may have been), you are mocked.

      Probably I’m over reacting. 🙂

      Maybe I should take a break from reading about publishing.

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